I'm trying really hard not to only write with anger, frustration, depression, or all the other negative emotions that have been swarming around. And...since I have known that I would fail at that, I've chosen to stay quiet. I've thought about plenty of fluffy posts I could write...about my love of the Singing Bee, the meatballs that were so successful, the flodni that was a complete disaster, or all of my decorations. You may see any or all of these later, but I guess I'll own up to what's been going on.
I'm feeling fairly angry about the part-time lay-off, though I'm trying to not let it show too much. It feels like I'm being punished for only having been there for four years. FOUR YEARS. In any other company I'd be getting a prize, but here I'm the newbie who deserves to be a sacrificial lamb. It also feels like this is a decision based on the fact that I'm somewhat more financially responsible that others, and because I can't walk away because the pregnancy won't allow me to get a new job. Yes, a fairly illegal rational. I can't say I have felt very respected during the whole process.
Pregnancy emotions are fairly unstable beings to begin with, but this has been really hard. There's been a lot of crying and anger when I'm behind closed doors. I feel so trapped, used, betrayed, any and all of the above. I just don't have a solution. And that's the hardest part of it all. I try and figure out options, cry over other people's posts on getting things for a nursery that I can't afford, or snap entirely too often at the animals or my husband. I can't even say that I've made it out of my pajamas yet today, though I have made that my goal for once I finish this post.
Hopefully, I'll find a way to at least feel the holiday spirit soon, or find a way to see the pregnancy as a joyful event, and not what is trapping me, or even feel put together or attractive, but for now...I'm kinda wallowing. And I know it's not a pretty picture to share with the world.