Monster Victims

Hello.  I am Monster.  I am a 8 year old Siamese who enjoys long romps outside, butter, and the occasional scratch.  I am MUCH smarter than you, so don't even bother.  I dislike dogs, Harper, and dogs named Harper.  Oh, and baths.  *shudder*  Favorite pastimes include curling up on top of books, computers, and anywhere there might be a hand to pat me.  I only drink water out of a running faucet, will knock anything left on a nightstand to the floor, and do not sleep past 6am.  Ever.  You better not, or I will sit on your face.  Welcome to my world.  You may stay if you pat me and give me butter.

This is Harper.  She was spawned by Satan and wants to play with me ALL THE TIME.  She sniffs me, barks at me, wags, bats at me with her paw, and whines thinking that I might lower myself to consort with a DOG.  I extend my claws, and bat back.  Stupid dog.  She is big.  And sheds a lot.  And likes to run.  She likes cat food and MY toys.  Stupid dog.  She has ruined my life for 6 months 1.5 years!, and takes away the humans.  Stupid dog.  She is sick with Endocrine Pancreatic Insufficiency (EPI) and takes lots of medicine and goes to the vet all the time.  The humans are now experts on EPI treatment if you have questions.

This is the male human, Chris.  He is superior to the females (both dog and human).  I plotted to kill him when I first met him 4 years ago, but he's grown on me.  I used to sit on the coffee table and stare and plot about poisoned cat scratches and awkwardly placed hairballs.  But he loves to pat me, and give me butter, and I am a traitor so I ditched the female and love him.  I only hate him when he puts me in Penn State jerseys to watch games with him.  I am NOT a Nittany Lion.  Ok, maybe a little one.  He is too busy.  He just graduated from grad school and is studying for just passed! some big test that gives me lots of books to lie on.  They're comfy.  Or I sit on my perch over his desk while he studies, and we pretend the females don't exist.  That's nice.

This is the female.  She likes to put words in my mouth (if you can't tell).  I blame her for bringing the beast into our house, even if she claims dad wanted the German Shepherd, not her.  I don't believe it.  SOMETIMES, I still love her, but usually dad.  She did rescue me as a stray, after all.  But she likes to move.  I have lived in 6 places with her.  In 5 years.  Stop moving, lady.  She likes to study for lots of tests, too, but stopped doing that awhile ago.  At least someone is around to feed me.  I like her because she goes to the gym at 5:30 am and feeds me EARLY.  (Before the days of the baby!  She still sometimes feeds me early if the baby's up.)  And turns on the faucet for me.  Winner.  

The little human, Robby, otherwise known as "The Lion".  I might like him.  At least more than the dog does.  He seems pretty chill, though he's starting to learn how to grab hair.  Right now he's only been around for 2 months, so I haven't made up my mind yet.  Now I'll stop talking.  For your sake, hopefully it's for good.  Who wants to hear a cat talk?