Looking cute with "The Godfather"
Yesterday was rough. Seriously, rough. Robby wasn't behaving any worse than normal, really, other than he wouldn't take a nap, but it was still hitting me particularly hard. I think mostly just being unable to kick this cold/cough/sinus infection is wearing on me more than anything. I started having terrible thoughts like, "What if I was to hurt him." Which, of course, I wasn't going to do, but when your patience is thin you start thinking about the bad news stories you've heard.
I started texting Chris about how exhausted and overwhelmed I was. About how I hadn't had a "normal" day in weeks and couldn't take it anymore. How I needed a break. It's amazing how even though you've hit a stride, still waking up every 2-3 hours when you really just need a good night's sleep to reboot your system can ultimately get to you. I ultimately ended up yelling at Robby, "Just stop already!" as he screamed at me as we were on hour 2.5 of trying to get him down for a nap. I felt terrible, and he looked scared and just cried harder.
Chris came home and was great. He took Robby without being asked, and fed and bathed him, without being asked, and let me eat my dinner first. He asked if I wanted to go to the gym. Which, of course, I didn't because I can't breathe, but the thought was there. Once Robby was asleep, I was hiding down on the computer, and Chris called my mother. They chatted (mostly because they hadn't on her birthday), but he let her know I was having a rough time with things, and she insisted on talking to me.
My mom knew what to say. She told me I was a good mom, and when I said I had lost it with him and felt awful, she responded, "Well, you didn't hit him or shake him or anything right? Then you're fine." She told me that she used to have days with me where my dad would walk in the door and she'd hand me to him and leave. She told how once she got angry with him for stopping for gas on the way home, because she was in such need of relief. It's nice to be reminded that other people think that being a mom is tough some days. No matter how happy a little guy he is, or how he's the daycare's favorite, or how most of the time I recognize I'm lucky. He is also EXTREMELY opinionated, busy, and loud. And those days when he is on a tear, really are as hard as I think they are.
But I'm a good mom. He's thriving, and can't get enough of being around me. We play, and talk, and have a grand ole time most days. We go swimming once a week, which he LOVES, and I try and take him out in public fairly often (like to the grocery store), because he gets such a kick out of being around people. I really am patient. I just need to get back to a place where I'm not so overwhelmed, because I find myself wanting to pull away and not interact with him too frequently. I know it's ok to let him play with toys on his own, but I know he'd be happier if I was on the floor with him. I also know the dog's ok on her own, but she's much happier if I include her. I have to be on call 24/7 and can't just think of myself anymore, and that's hard. But, after my meltdown I'm trying to give myself a break, and just realize that we all have those days. I'm still a good mom.