This week has been such a roller coaster. I opened my email a few days ago to an unbelieveable opportunity that seemingly just fell into my lap. I couldn't believe my luck! (And no, it wasn't some long lost relative from Africa leaving me a fortune.) I immediately acted upon it, and things seemed beyond promising. Until...the "you're pregnant" card fell from the deck.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm excited that the Lion is coming, and he will be loved and cherished, but I have truly struggled this whole pregnancy with the idea that things aren't happening in our "time", or according to our "plan". Funny, right? I'm 30, I should've learned by now that things never do work out quite the way you envision them. But I have struggled at the times that I'm almost bitter with my little man for coming too soon.
When we first discovered we were pregnant, it was daunting, but we could handle it. My career wasn't exactly a Cinderella story, and we didn't have the money saved that we would have hoped, but we'd be able to swing it. Then the dog, and the basement, and the lay-off...all just made things a bit more difficult. Still, the whole time, I tried to remind myself that even with one income, we were better off than many people. Our bills are paid, we have tightened our belts, but we're still moving forward.
I tried my best to put myself into a better position, but it was seemingly going nowhere. I dealt with rejection, and downright anger when I found out someone who I see as "charmed" felt I didn't deserve the one glimmer of hope that had appeared on the scene because it hadn't happened to her. (Of course, everything worked out perfectly for her shortly after.)
Anyway, this opportunity started to renew my faith that maybe I did have the promise, and the intelligence, and the skills that I used to believe I possessed when I was in school. People actually thought I was "ideal" and were excited about ME. And now? I get to go back to where I was because of having a manditory break imposed on my life in June. And that doesn't fit in their time.
Hopefully, I don't fall back into the depression that had really started to consume me a few months ago, and I can just see this as reassurance that something WILL happen next fall, or whenever is God's time. For now? The letdown after such a steep, unexpected climb is being accutely felt.