Grief

Today is hard.  Really hard.  I just found out that a dear friend decided to take his own life.  I can not even begin to comprehend, but all I am feeling is tremendous guilt that I lost touch with him.  This is the last picture I have with him (4 years ago), though I ran into him once since.  Both of us had moved to different cities.

I'm glad that I'm next to him in the photo.  It gives me a feeling that there's still some connection there.  We were much closer in high school, and even had a flirtation at one point, but he was a freshman, I was a senior, all of that.  I still will always remember driving around town, with him making fun of me, saying I was the "Barbie Girl" referred to in the Buzz Poets song.  Or sitting in my parent's basement watching tv.  Or our town's fireworks, or ...all the times.

I have such respect for the man he had become.  He always took time for people, was smart, funny, athletic, kind...there are not enough good words to say.  I love his family, and my heart breaks for them.  Most recently, I ran into his father when Chris was in the emergency room, and he stopped everything he was doing to check on how I was.  I know where his sons got their kindness and generous spirit from.

I cannot stop crying, praying, eating, anything to try and relieve the horribly guilty thoughts I have.  I hope that no one else in my life, or no one else period feels so alone.  I wish I had known enough to reach out.  I wish I could stop his family's pain.  I wish that all of us that were friends in high school, and pictured in that photo weren't having to reconnect under these circumstances. 

Matt, I wish you knew just how many of us loved and cared about you.  I will miss you.